Dealing With Guests: Don't Go Above And Beyond

I cannot quite describe the level of moron that comes into an art museum. God knows the people in charge are even worse, but the actual guests make you wonder how they can manage to breathe. For that matter WHY are they allowed to breed?

As a human being if someone comes up to you, to ask for help, you help them. As a Security guard, who works in a museum visited by ignorant fucks and high class twats, you need to take a different approach. You essentially need to PRETEND that you are helping.

Really, that’s the key. Because they will go around the corner and just keep asking different people until they get what they are asking for. Yeah I know that sounds like a shit thing to do, but that is how human mentality works. We are not paid, or appreciated, enough to bother.

And please don’t think that being one of those above-and-beyond out-going schmucks will not score you point. I should know I use to be one of those when I first started working here. 

May 30th 2015

Well today was interesting. First of all Mismanagement announced RSVPs for two different private parties, while also asking for volunteers for upcoming events. Nobody was sure to call their names out because they did not want to get volunteered for anything. I do not want to go to any of the parties. Not with these people!

Thursday I came in on my day off (a rarity) and (redacted) confronted me about saying “oh you lucky bitch” when she was getting off early from the wedding this last Saturday. I did not have any meanness or hate in my voice, but since she’s ignorant, belligerent, and an over sensitive black woman going through menopause… everything means something different. She goes into a tizzy about how it hurt her feelings and that she would never “disrespects me like that”. Jesus Christ it was over the moment it was said, with nothing but mockery in my tone.

When I got up to the fourth floor a surprise was waiting for me. The left cabinet door on the Highboard piece was opened sometime Thursday or Friday. It was not tampered with while I was here Wednesday. Mismanagment was really trying hard to look like she was doing something. She took pictures like a CSI at a crime scene.

Once the Curator came out to check on the damage Mismanagment was getting in the way while I was trying to get her brain straight with the situation at hand. 

Me: “I was not posted here Thursday or Friday, and it was not like this Wednesday”, Mismanagement: “so it must have happened Friday night.” 

Curator: “we weren’t open Friday night.” 

Mismanagement: “Oh I meant Thursday night.” 

Every time Mismanagment talked she spoke with delay. Not certain if she was trying to pretend like she was an investigator or if she really was having trouble keeping up with the scenario. I think it happened while (redacted) was on post.

I really fucked myself today. I intended to take pictures for “The Project” but forgot to put my SD card in the camera. Where is it? In the SD slot of my laptop which I left home because I thought my free moments would be spent taking pictures. Like I said “fucked”. Speaking of which Mismanagement took the weekly floor sheets from the clipboard while I was away on my lunch break. This “investigation” really got her moving. There should be art damage every Saturday. I feel bad about (redacted) every time she tries to strike up a conversation I always seem to be on the move. Like I said before she’s artistic and a really sweet girl. I do not want to give her the impression I do not want to talk to her. However I do not want to get involved either. 

May 27th 2015

I came in Sunday to continue work on “The Project”. As I was leaving Mismanagement was calling for one volunteer to stay for something. Great way to spring it on them at the last minute! I just walked right out the door without any acknowledgement. No shortage of crazy today! “The horse painting” (it was actually the painting with the ships) fell off the wall in the Dutch Gallery. So they had to assign a guard to it, making sure no one goes past the extensions.

This morning Mismanagement had a meeting about some new art inventory sheets they are working on. It feels like it’s been almost a year. Anyway she was in charge of post assignments and did not even notice (redacted) sitting behind her before saying “(redacted's) not here”. The one actually useful piece of information, within her Abbot and Costello routine, was that Looney Tunes is officially leaving the museum. Captain Redacted suggested we have a going away party at the bar across the street. I am not going because Mismanagment will be there and the place is over-priced. Even if it was cheap the Security Department still would not pay for any of it.

The door at the New Entrance is still broken. Maintenance was there this morning trying to fix it. Once they finally did, and he saw Knucklehead marching up the street, (redacted) wasted no time leaping up from his seat to report the good news. Knucklehead stood there looking like he was not going to give out a gold star anytime soon. They changed the name of “The Knight’s Hall” to “The Great Room”. No one really knows why so don’t ask. The room is not really that great enough to rename it THAT. The best thing about this is how obsessed Reggie got about it. You already know that once he grabs on to one of their littlest fuck ups that he will not let up. Especially if it makes him look bad in front of a visitor.

That’s probably what it’s REALLY about, but he does make a good point. When were they going to let the Security know about the name change? It’s not like Beavis and Butthead don’t like having meetings about nothing. I suppose this is a level of “nothing” that’s actually beneath them? The big question I already asked. What was wrong with “The Knight’s Hall”?

May 23rd 2015

Posted in the Special Ex today. I have to work a wedding tonight so I have been sitting all damn day practically. and I get this weird suspicion (or is it intuition?) that I am going to be posted on the Loading Dock tonight. I do not know why, but I am feeling it.

Since its the Special Exhibition (Miss. redacted) told me to just go ahead on my 10-100, after asking for one. So I go to the bathroom, and I am already in a stall before Martin has (Mr. redacted) "relieve" me. Then he asks for (Miss. redacted) to call 225. I get back and (Miss. redacted) is flying off the handle to (Mr. redacted). I just walk by shaking my head, she will get around to filling my ear later with whatever the problem is. Apparently the Lead Officer did her "oh my God..." verbal beat-down on her. (Miss. redacted) has been pissed ever since. Her and the Lead Officer made up later on as they were leaving for the day. I still had to put up with the complaining until then though.

Great news! I am on New Entrance tonight, but they put (Miss. redacted) on the Loading Dock. That made her shoot out a whole new string of obscenities. Predator does not like her much and knows that is one of the last (if not THE last position) to close. Supposedly I am just here until the bridal party shows up. Then I lock down the doors and go up to the Court. At least that's the idea.

The bridal party actually entered through Old Entrance along with the regular wedding guests. I just let an 85-year-old lady in to use the lift. So I might be here until she leaves. (Redacted) is wondering around Center Street Lobby. He’s suppose to be on the Passenger Elevator. He’s talking to Moe and probably cannot hear his radio.

*later*

I love working the Court! I am relieving (Miss. redacted) at 10:30 on the Loading Dock so she can go home early. Sticks was going to give her a ride home but she was in too much of a hurry. She also owes me $2 on bus fare. 

Radio Etiquette

One of the things... Well the only thing apart from an ID card and keys, that a Security guard gets is a radio. This is an important tool for communication between guards and their "command center". Not that the communication exists that freely.

From a common sense perspective you would use these for emergencies, or direct code calls (lunch break, turn on/off alarm, etc.). However some guards just talk on them. Guards in the "command center" some times sound like the adults from The Peanuts so it's almost not even worth keeping your ear piece in most of the time. Everyone appreciates jokes, especially on long double shift, but the best thing is to keep the airwaves clear.

No matter the tone of the message bearer it's best to keep yours professional. You can tell when a guard isn't being that when they tell their life story on the radio, when no other explanation is needed. Believe me when I tell you "command" just assumes that everyone is wrong but them. Just don't bother swimming against that current. 

May 21st 2015

May 21, 2015: Exploding lightbulbs of death! Or at least that’s the way Knucklehead made it out in today’s meeting. Apparently the lighting guy got a bad batch of light bulbs that have been burning out. Knucklehead made it sound like they are shattering and spraying visitors with shrapnel, like the improvised claymore traps in Skyfall. Yes falling glass is serious, but most of these lights have protective netting anyway. I talked to Knucklehead about it, actually I corrected him, to which he replied “oh no I just meant the glass would shatter and fall down”. If someone gets injured by it I will encourage them to sue.

Later on in the day Mismanagement picked up a stray. An old black man with a walker, who had just left the museum, was dragged back in by her. Apparently he is confused and lost. It takes one to know one so she sits him at the New Entrance and continues on with her day. (Redacted) is the guard posted there today. He thinks nothing of it while Mismanagement announces, over the radio, that the man is waiting for someone to pick him up. (Redacted) goes off on his lunch break and Cliff takes over.

Cliff is always one to blow stuff out of proportion so he makes some phone calls and the police show up. Mismanagement comes down the street to check in on her mess, then calls Knucklehead over the radio to no reply. Ten minutes after standing by, waiting for Knucklehead to not show up, Mismanagement finally announces that there are armed officers in the building. This is not enough to entice glory boy to come to the main building. After not waiting any longer for Security’s tinker-toy procedures they question the man and personally call his assisted living home.

The whole time I was thinking they were going to take the poor guy on a “rough ride” and cause more riots, instead I think I am more concerned with his retirement home. This ghetto looking van shows up and the police get all of the information. Mismanagment makes (redacted) fill out an incident report, or he made HER make HIM fill one out… I can never tell with him. Anyway I hope that old man is not going to get beaten because he came to this museum. I mean we all do, but I feel sorry for him.

Mismanagement tried to screw Sticks out of his break again. He is posted on the 3^rd Floor and Captain Redacted is posted on the 2^nd. Which means Sticks gets the 12PM and Captain Redacted gets the 1PM. Thanks to a lot of diva melodrama he can get those switched based on his own personal preference. The same thing with Tommy Gun. On several occasions this favoritism has screwed with other guards' break times (including my own). Myself and Bill brought up why the break times are changed from their normal times. Mismanagement (feeling outnumbered) did her head shake thing and everything went back to normal.