April 9th 2015

I got scheduled to come in later so I only have to be stuck here for eight hours. They put me directly in the Special Exhibition. They are so short today that they had Predator come in to do reliefs, and only one guard posted in the Exhibition. Me and the other three part timers came in around the same time and they put us straight to work. No complaints, feels good to be needed. The only downside is that Predator is here until (redacted) gets back.

People are running out of his side of the Exhibition. Probably a combination of his “friendly nature” AND his unnatural stench. I am trying to greet guests with a smile and he stalks them with dirty looks. Unless they are black, then and only then does he actually strike up a conversation with another human being. A pretty black girl, with a baby, came into the gallery and he immediately pounced on her with his “charm”. Until he noticed she was with another guy.

Well (redacted) warned me there would be a meeting when I got here today. Around 3PM I was told to go over to HR's new office. I of course took my sweet time getting over there. Altogether it took about 40 minutes getting there, the meeting, and getting back again. I love it how everyone greets you with a smile, at least Mismanagement does, when the shit’s going to hit the fan. Here I was thinking the meeting would be about Predator's blatant time sheet tampering, but instead it was another alleged complaint over something I never said.

According to the head of PR I made a joke about someone committing suicide in the Old Gallery. I know I have a sense of humor (or lack there-of depending on how you look at me), but I would never joke to a guest or a fellow staff member about anyone committing suicide. That’s really messed up. I can see what they were trying to do but it did not phase me. I stayed objective and told them the truth. HR brings up Tommy Gun's name out of the blue and Knucklehead says “well let me give him a call”. He has to slop all the way over to the new offices just to tell them the same thing I did. Then they call PR in to try and confirm her bullshit accusation. I tell her “I never said that, I don’t joke about that kind of thing.” Then says with conviction “It was you.” Trying not to laugh at the fact that she’s Mismanagement’s buddy. I reply “I’m not saying you didn’t hear someone say that, but it wasn’t me.” Then she starts making sense and says “Maybe it was the other guard.” She didn’t remember what day it was, she didn’t remember who exactly it was. She only knew that it was a white guy with parted hair. I don’t part my hair, last time I did that I looked like Fatty Arbuckle. Not a good look.

At the end of the meeting they were so disappointed that they didn’t get me on anything. Altogether I got to sit down for 30 minutes and owned the meeting. For the rest of the night I had nothing but a smile on my face. Even Predator looked disappointed at the fact that I still had my ID badge and greeted him with a smile. So to recap just in case you haven’t caught on to the pattern.

I have a meeting with The Equalizer about Predator's harassment and break times (or lack there of).

I get called into HR about Kelly.

I call The Equalizer and tell him about Predator stealing hours from me, says we’ll have a meeting with Knucklehead and me about it.

Get called into HR two weeks later about something I never said by a woman who is a friend of Predator's momma bear (Mismanagement).

Protecting Your Health

Where I work we are not allowed to psychically protect ourselves (because our boss is scared of lawsuits), but protecting your health is a must do. Especially if you work in a public place that could easily be considered a cesspool. This does not mean you have to make yourself O.C.D. but you do need to take some basic action to keep yourself from getting sick. You also have to keep yourself in good condition if you don’t want to be one big walking Charlie horse.

Before you come to work take some vitamin C, a Multi-vitamin, and a digestive vitamin aid. The digestive aid will help you poop when you eat cheap food from places you can actually afford. The other vitamins protect you from catching colds or other foreign illnesses.

Wash your hands before you eat or use hand sanitizer if there is no soap and water immediately available. This is especially important in the break room which is surprisingly the least cleaned part of the building. When it comes to taking bathroom breaks don’t let your Supervisor give you a hard time.

 If you really have to go then just go, you don’t need their permission to do a natural bodily function. A guard that use to work at the museum got a ruptured bladder because no one came to relieve her. On the plus side she did sue the shit out of them! Not that I would recommend doing this.

Icy Hot and braces for your knee and/or ankle, as well as a heating pad, are must have items. Your muscles WILL get sore over time with the hard floors of a museum. The time of year, with the weather, also factors into how ache you will be. I don't really promote drug use or alcohol consumption in the work place, but if you have a long day to work... Pop that Oxy responsibly and don't mix it with alcohol.

When you're not at work make sure to drink lots of water to drown out all of the caffeine you will pump into your system. Don't drink more than a gallon per day, you don't want to flood your kidneys. In the winter make use of a heating pad to keep your joints and back muscles from tensing too much. 

April 5th 2015

It’s Easter Sunday and guess where I am? Yep! Fuck my life. Since it’s Easter the only people here are Asian tourists and heathen art school students. Otherwise it’s going to be a slow day up here on the 4^th Floor. I am at the half-way point of the day and there has been 53 people up here so far. These are obviously the diehard art fanatics. Everyone with a life is at home with their families. I know I’m not obviously, but everyone’s out of town anyway.

Mismanagement and the assistant director are here today. It’s fucking Easter! Go home! Mismanagement always says she’s cool with God, but I don’t believe it. She’s the devil’s own. I know Predator will be here tonight. Now that’s a guy with no life. 

April 4th 2015

April 4^th 2015: Yesterday was Bear’s final day. Mismanagement and Knucklehead actually got him bagels and coffee as a farewell present. From what I am told they were not happy about shelling out the money for that. Bear dissevers a full catering service and a few kegs of beer. He was a valued guard and he is a valued friend.

Today we are short handed, but luckily I am posted in R+G+G by myself for the first time in ages. It iss almost like the good ol’ days of when I first started working here. Except now I know better and understand the grim reality of this fucked up museum. I have not seen Kelly in a while. I am hoping she was let go after I sent that e-mail to the Assistant Director. You know as a preemptive “please don’t sue us” thing like they did after Matt Fry almost got Boles killed. Then again probably not; she’s either on vacation or working different days.

What’s kind of odd was this morning Sarah said “good morning”, even though she didn’t have to. Mismanagement said good morning too. What the fuck? It probably has something to do with that loan I signed up for. These bitches smell money? They would be the two types to try sucking up (literally) when smelling cash. Mismanagment’s a hustler and Sarah’s a future starving artist. 

Today, over the radio, (redacted) announced that (the old Director) was in the building. Like it was still significant. He hasn’t been the Director for almost two years. None of us really need to give a shit if he’s here or not. At the end of the day Predator collected the equipment. He was wearing a blazer that looked a size too small for his fat frame. Whenever he’s wearing a blazer it’s never a good sign. It means he’s hiding his B.O. The jacket wasn’t doing a very good job of that. Tommy Gun said he survived by keeping his distance. I think Predator has a gay crush on me because he never keeps his distance. 

April 2nd 2015

Today is my first day in the new special exhibition. The majority of the pieces are items already owned by the museum, but a couple of them are just on loan from private collectors. The exhibit is not a paid one like usual. In fact it’s so boring I don’t think you could pay for people to enter it!

Like what is usually the case some tours have been set up to make the numbers look good. Not quite sure why they want us to even keep a count if it’s not a paid exhibit. That isn’t however the biggest flaw in logic with this place.

The exhibit only takes up about a third of the overall gallery space, but requires two guards. Here’s why. The Special Exhibition can be adjusted in formation with it’s removable walls. Really it’s a big horseshoe, but with the right wall placement it can be separated into rooms.

The flaw with THIS particular exhibit is the fact they added a separation for something that only takes up a third of the space. It’s like they did this so that Knucklehead would NEED to put two guards in an area that could easily be covered by one. This could be to combat Predator's need for making guards go home early.

Whether that ignorant bastard will try that again anytime soon remains to be seen considering we are short. Even if Tommy Gun was here we would have just enough people to cover everything… barely. Now would be the best time to quit. That would really make their assholes pucker.

So I have made it through the whole day in the special ex without losing my sanity. Writing has saved me yet again. Just another hour and a quarter to go. Predator came through the special ex on his let’s-see-if-I-can-catch-people-doing-something-while-I’m-suppose-to-be-in-the-Monitor-Room tour. (Redacted) had his cellphone plugged in and told him that if Predator ever came through I would warn him. I shouted “Good evening Mr. (Predator)” and (redacted) got the signal. Now whose the one using formality as a weapon? Me mother fucker! :D

The Threat of Terrorism

If you have seen the news lately (and if you haven’t I don’t blame you) then you know I.S.I.S. has their panties in a twist over the death of Mohammed Emwazi aka “Jihad John”. If you work in security then your Supervisor has without a doubt made some kind of speech about how you will all have to be on high alert. Where I work they waste no time doing that sort of thing, especially since my Supervisor (former Manager) can now use the deaths of 130+ people as an excuse for past mistakes.

“I’ve been posted at the same gallery for four months now”, “well because of recent events I won’t be able to rotate guards as often”. “I lost the key to the old entrance, placed blame on the staff, and got a Supervisor fired.” “We better over play the threat of terrorism.” That is basically the current climate at my art museum, hopefully your superiors aren’t using something this serious as a crutch.

Whatever the circumstances; and wherever you are in the country, you need to be alert. In our modern overly politically correct nation if someone suggest profiling you might call them a racist. On the contrary if a Middle Eastern man walks into your place of work, looking like he’s pregnant and sweating nervously, then damn it you better start! Let’s put the faux offensiveness aside and start being concerned with not getting killed.

Be alert and aware of your surroundings. Know where all of the emergency exits are. Make a plan with your fellow co-workers, even if they don’t take it seriously. Most importantly get the guests out through the nearest emergency exit and survive to tell the reporters about how unprepared your idiot superiors were. 

Well I mean five or so years after the fallout, kind of like how people bitched about cancer causing dust after 9/11. It's the American way it seems...

March 28th, 2015

March 28 2015: All kinds of activity so far today. First up Mismanagement had us go on tour of the new marble special exhibit. The curator, (the sweet British lady), said “This statue is the plaster mold for the bronze statue for the grave of the family in (redacted) Cemetery.” How hard is that to understand for someone actually listening? Mismanagement, being Captain repeat-every-fucking-thing-because-I’m-ignorant, asked (sweet British lady) to say it again. So the Curator repeated herself; then it turned into a five minute debate over who was buried at the plot of the cemetery. “Jesus Christ!” (redacted) exclaimed and quite right. Next up was pointed out the confusion between what could and could not be touched. There are some sample pieces of marble that can be touched, and other pieces that cannot be touched. There are only signs saying “please touch”. Like (sweet British lady) said, this stuff will be here for long after we are dead. Let ‘em touch it! I Eskimo kissed one of the statues while pretending to look for something. She thought it was funny. The Curator, not the statue. I’m not that far gone.

Today (redacted) is posted at H.H. He’s never been trained on H.H.. D.J. was the unfortunate soul sent to relieve him at 11AM. I say “unfortunate” because (redacted) didn’t know about the emergency exit aka “side door”. When the door closes the push bar locks behind you, unless you lock the bar in place with the Alan wrench provided on the key ring. This prevents the door from locking behind you. Or you can opt to use the door stop. (Redacted) didn’t know about either of these things and locked D.J. out of H.H., she had the keys (all 20 something of them) but there’s no key to unlock the push bar from the other side.

D.J. called for assistance over the radio so naturally Monitor Room called for (redacted) to let her in. This is futile nine-times-out-of-ten because he “doesn’t hear” his radio calls. 10 minutes later D.J. again calls for assistance. (Redacted) is still A.W.O.L. so Monitor Room calls (redacted) (posted in R+G+G) to go let D.J. into the building. Five minutes later she gets on the radio for a third time to request assistance. (Redacted's, second one not father time) radio was malfunctioning. After 20 minutes of being in the emergency exit D.J. was finally freed from her mini prison. As she relieved Captain Redacted at Old Entrance she had a thousand yard stare on her face. Either trauma or just the way she copes with the day. Probably both. 

March 26th 2015

March 26^th 2015: Before I start talking about today let me bring up something that happened last night. For March 25^th I was scheduled to work 5:15PM to 10:15PM. A Wednesday night event. I get all the way down here and Predator tells me I am not on the schedule and sends me home. Even after I signed in and put on my uniform. Mr. Ass had R.J. put down to work until 10:15PM as a typo (his name and mine are right next to each other on the schedule). He both had reached his 25 hour limit AND gave Mismanagement doctor’s paperwork; two reasons he could not stay. I sign in my 4 hours of report-in-pay but then Predator tells me I am not getting that. His argument is that I did not have a schedule, and I didn't because Evening Shift never printed them on Saturday like they were supposed to. It was all a typo on Mr. Ass' part and hopefully The Equalizer gets it worked out.

The first time Predator stole hours from me was on February 7^th, a Saturday. I was to work an evening event until 10:15PM. Then he suddenly “lost” the work order. Claiming that I was not going to work that night. The following Thursday I had that meeting with The Equalizer about Predator. You know the one that led to Knucklehead and Mismanagement ambushing me in HR over something that occurred while I was a guest of the museum.

According to My State Labor and Wage Division I am not entitled to that four hours. I am having a meeting with Knucklehead and The Equalizer at some point today about it. Also (redacted) is no longer in the Monitor Room. He only lasted one work week before he said the hell with it. People were placing bets on him. No one can blame him for wanting to, I just wish I could have seen the meltdown.

Today I am on the Court and I have been sitting down, doing NOT THIS JOB, for large amounts of time. That will help pay back the four hours they owe me. In an earlier entry I talked about “tourist mode”. At least I may have… Pretty sure I wrote that down. If not, here’s a reminder. It’s basically a sit down strike, but not literally sitting down. I just patrol at half speed and read various item plaques. I have also added writing to this process. I ca not officially add writing to “tourist mode” because I do that regardless! Not much else to do on a Thursday when no one is here.

Also I should note that two years ago, around this time, Mismanagement stole money from (redacted)'s family, shortly after she died on March 13^th 2013. Everybody loved (redacted), several departments donated little bits of money here and there. None of which made it to her family since Mismanagement was in charge of taking the money to them. The next day she comes in with a new hair style and outfit. (Redacted's) mentally challenged daughter reported that she never got the money. I will let you put the rest together.

I went up to the 4^th Floor to relieve the guard for a 10-100. He almost pulled a (redacted) on me. 30 minutes he was gone! I like 10-100s because it’s a good change of scenery. I am taking the 5:45PM break (I had the 11AM lunch break). Took Monitor Room ten minutes to get Predator's attention, then an additional 10 for him to drag his ignorant time thieving ass down to the Court to tell me and (redacted) what we already assumed. We are self relief tonight.

Looking back to this day and how I've been working here since, I think I have definitely made back that 10 hours Predator owes me. 

March 21st 2015

March 21^st 2015: This morning there was a lot of activity on the Court, plus Education brought us coffee and other snacks, Whenever they do that it’s an apology in advance for whatever insanity that’s planned for the day. Usually involving a shit load of kids doing whatever they want.

Luckily I am posted over at H.H. today! I know what you are thinking “how the hell did you pull that off with the fat bitch doing post assignments?” Well dear reader Mismanagement is not here today. (Redacted) did the post assignments and I merely suggested I take H.H.

The only downside to Mismanagement not being here is D.S. is extra uppity. You know that moment when an old black woman tries to take charge of everything? It’s like that. It’s annoying but it’s also funny to hear Mr. Ass on the radio putting up with it.

I forgot to mention Thursday that (redacted) now works in the Monitor Room. Which means we have one less Relief Officer (making (redacted) the sole survivor) AND another brick wall of communication in the Monitor Room. The thing about (redacted) is that he cannot hear too good. So that disability is both a blessing AND a curse. He will not hear our radio calls, but he also will not hear the bull shit in the Monitor Room. Either way he has that fish-out-of-water tendency. He also has a strong bull shit detector. So it will be interesting to see what happens.

So this party for the Mayor turned out to be a bust. They were expecting 30 people, but only got 12. It was only a third of a truck full of stuff so it’s not a huge waste. 

I don't know why I'm even calling him (redacted) he just recently retired for the second time from the art museum. SPOILERS: He only lasted in there for a week. 

Busy Work

Sometimes your boss will ask you to do seemingly stupid tasks. Where I work it's a given. The trick however is to not complain, but to do whatever they ask. No matter how tedious or mundane it might be.

This advice might be a pain in the ass if you do something important for a living. If you work Security at an art museum then just do it, there’s nothing else to preoccupy your time for eight to twelve hours.

Things that MUST be done:

Check the gallery for any irregularities.

Check the art for vandalism.

Do paperwork for the above and for any Inventory.

Guard the art.

Walk around bored out of your mind.

Busy work, not in your job description, provided by your boss’ split personalities/voices in their head:

Use medical glove to pick up dead bug.

Pick a piece of art and write a mini book report about it.

Go on tours of locations that neither of you have authorization for.

Do duties she use to be in charge of, but wouldn’t do, such as: Delivering paperwork, shredding paperwork, and making copies of more paperwork… that will ultimately be not done and then shredded.

Being taken off post to discuss gossip and relationship issues.

Fuck it, if they get caught or snitched on (and she did) that’s not work problem. Get off the floor for a bit!

Then there’s the really messed up stuff you observe:

Asking friend in another department to make a false accusation about a guard joking about suicide.

Borrow credit from the person who runs the museum café.

Impede the Maintenance department by parking in the loading zone.

Stealing from a dead co-worker's family.

The key to success in the second and third set of items is to not bother saying anything. Especially if your boss is good friends with the head of Human Resources. In which case you are better off with a pen and paper. A lawyer’s helpful too. 

March 16th 2015

March 16^th 2015: All of the staff are moving out of H.H. and Mismanagement is going with them. Her office is going to be the new Education office. I am here on a Monday to do reliefs for the officers that have to cover the move. I thought it was going to be a school tour(s) or lecture. Nope the Docents are celebrating! Education are painting banners and stuff in the Auditorium. I wonder what our department will have planned when she’s gone.

First I had to relieve Looney Toons up on the fifth floor. While I was up there I was able to take some pictures and video of what it looks like. Also while I was up here I asked the Assistant Director if it was ok to send her a confidential e-mail about the HR situation. She nodded and with assurance said “sure”.

Yesterday I came downtown for the St. Patrick’s Day Parade. While downtown I came into the museum, once again as a guest. I will continue to do so. The funniest thing is I went right up to the 4^th Floor and (redacted) was leading a school tour. Knucklehead will see that on the camera later and probably try to come up with another bullshit reason to get me in HR. I am not afraid of them and I know my rights. They have a box full of files here… none of them are personnel files but some of them look like old financial documents. 

At 12:57 I relieved Sticks at the new building. Knucklehead and The Equalizer were over there supervising the movers. I walked past Mismanagement on the way in and we did not say anything. Thank God! If I have to hear my name with that monotone voice I will die a little more inside. Knucklehead has not done his pre-programmed “Hey” either. With all that has happened I do not want to even look at him. Everytime I do he acts like a scolded puppy. At least The Equalizer's still friendly to me. 

The Director of the museum stopped by on her way to her vacation. She wanted to see the progress of everything. Knucklehead was so busy looking over at me to see if I was doing something he could fire me over that he didn't even acknowledge her when she asked him how he was doing. He always tells everyone in Security that we should be more personable to the higher class staff, and here he is on a whole other planet. Yes you bet I said hello to the Director when she walked by, I even wished her well on her trip. 

It's not THAT hard to be friendly. 

March 12th 2015

March 12^th, 2015: So today a transient man came into the building. No hold on, I’m not done yet. He came into the Staff Lounge while I was on break! I didn’t even hear the door open! I was hearing someone coming down the steps very quietly. I look up and there’s this old black dude, carrying a cane, wearing a panty hose type thing on his head. He was obviously high because he was acting like an extra from The Walking Dead. I was not really in shock so much that I didn’t say “uhh this is staff only man.” He replied “Oh sorry, sorry” then wandered off leaving a poop smell behind him.

“How the hell did he get this far into the building!?” You might be asking? (Redacted) was off doing another errand for Mismanagment and (redacted) was posted on the New Entrance. You put two-and-two together. You know after the other entry you might be thinking that I complain too much about homeless people. Look I have nothing against them, but the ones in this neighborhood are insane. I don’t give them money because they are definitely drug addicts, I buy them a cup of coffee or something to eat.

There’s an old saying about giving someone an inch and they will take a mile. This one black guy I bought coffee AND a sandwich for. Only cost $6; next time I saw him he wanted me to buy his groceries! Fuck that! Another example, this time it’s a white guy just in case you’re one of those overly P.C. type people that think I’m being racist. Bought him a cup of coffee when he was down by the Royal Farms (up my way). He seemed pretty normal. Next time I saw him as I was leaving work. I know he saw me, cause I could see him seeing me in the corner of my eye (it’s complicated). I keep walking and he starts shouting and “choking”, more than likely to get my attention so I could buy him something. Yeah… like I’m going to buy you a cup of coffee. The guy needed a cup of holy water the way he was acting.

Speaking of demons; Mismanagement “delivered” my bogus HR papers. In the document they listed that this was my second meeting. There was never a first.  They really expect me to sign this fabrication? The Equalizer said I do not have to sign it and my lawyer said the same thing. I can play stupid better than she can. “Oh papers? No Mismanagement never gave me any papers.” I made a couple copies and gave the originals to my attorney. I was posted on R+G+G (fucking again) when she signaled me to come downstairs. Acting like defamation of character is some game of fetch. 

Today I got some sad news, Bear gave his two-weeks-notice. He will be leaving April 3^rd. Going back to Philly (his home town) to get a real job with better pay. I wish him all the best, for the best. It’s certainly going to seem a lot slower here now.  

March 7th 2015

March 7^th, 2015: I am up on R+G+G again (surprise, surprise) except this time R.J. is up here with me. He made the first hour go by pretty quick. Mismanagement took us on a tour of the new office buildings that staff will be moving into. Her office will be right next to Knucklehead's. The best part is that they will all be in the same building, and the hell away from us!

I bet everyone’s going to love having them there in one area. That is if the A.D. and The Equalizer do not lay down the hammer on them after B.J. “retires”. I know it’s coming. I am thinking of writing a whistleblower e-mail to the A.D.. I will send it to her on a Sunday. Appropriate considering the “incident” occurred on a Sunday.

I guess we can add a new crazy homeless guy to the list. I think I use to go to school with him, he looks familiar. The first time I saw him it was a month ago in the café. He had five cellphones on the table and smelled like bad guacamole. He was profusely sweating despite it being the dead of winter. Now he’s cleaned up a bit but walks around twirling a cane. Like a lot of reprobates do these days that pretend like it’s the early 1900s, while at the same time use modern attitudes and technology. Well we noticed him alright, mission-fucking-accomplished!

More specifically (redacted) noticed him swinging it around while he was relieving R.J. for his break. He went downstairs to tell the Monitor Room (as if that’s going to do anything). Allow me to make another dig at post-“great recession” behavior. I see these guys walk around with canes, but not actually using them. I am assuming it’s so they can comp disability? At least do a little bit of acting like Hugh Laurie on House. It’s just fucking ignorant and lazy otherwise. Afterall it IS (east coast city) so the assholes that regulate who gets disability are also lazy and ignorant so they technically do not look into this stuff. Still dude… no one takes any effort or pride in screwing over the system. As an added note I popped the last of my Oxycodone today. Can we please have a moment of silence? 

How To Deal With Guests Talking AT You

Working Security at an art museum can often make you feel like “the help”. Not just because of the staff, who still believe there is a middle class left in this country, but because of clueless guests. I have talked about dealing with the public before, and they are not ALL bad, but there is a variety that irk me.

Some of these hardcore artsy fartsy dicks have a tendency to talk AT you. Almost with a demanding tone, a verbal snap of the fingers. “You’re not human, serve me” it feels like they say when they just speak toward you as if you are suppose to immediately be aware (or give a shit) that they need assistance.

Rest assured because there is a definite way to handle the situation. I mean besides walking away or not hearing them entirely thanks to your blutooth headset (link to Survival Tools). No this method puts their ass right in place and does not even require a single “fuck”. All you have to do is say “Hello! Good (whatever time of day)! How can I help you!?”

Do not shout that, but speak loudly and with emphasis, and put your hand up as if motioning them to stop. Which you are; as in “shut the fuck up”. I guarantee it will shock them and might even make them forget what they were gonna say. Even better they might get so peved they will just walk away in a huff.

Not only will it wake them up but it might remind them to use their supposed class for their fellow humans instead of just for inanimate objects. Christ even the most ignorant guests say “hello” or “excuse me” first. Though they do have that “I hate your white skin” vibe when they do…

March 6th 2015

March 6^th 2014: I seem to be posted up on R+G+G AGAIN. I have been posted here for a while now. I admit though they have REALLY been screwing up lately. Ever since last week’s HR fiasco everyone’s been walking on eggshells. Even The Equalizer and The Assistant Director. I think even they realize how fucked up it is to call someone into HR over something that occurred on their day off. It’s like having a guest called into HR! I’m not going to stop fighting this. Of course I can add it to the long list of other crap they have done. The funniest part is I confronted Knucklehead in his office about it (last week). He told me “not to hire any shithouse lawyers!” That right there is an admittance of guilt.

Earlier today some hipster and his twin [adopted] boys came into the gallery. I told them not to run, not to climb over the balcony walls, and that they should stick together because children are suppose to be with their guardian at all times. As they are leaving the gallery he actively searches for me to say “we’re leaving now, so you don’t have to follow us anymore”, I reply “yeah ok” with my apathetic tone. Some people should not be parents. If you can’t control your brats then please don't come into my gallery. Simple as that. I will probably get a complaint from that guy. Of course I will not hear about it until two weeks from now. I will make sure to insist that it’s a complaint that occurred WHILE I WAS ON THE CLOCK.

Yesterday (Thursday) we had off. The only thing about Fridays (and it’s NOT a problem) is the lack of guests that show up. There must have been less than 100 people in here today. It snowed wicked harrrrd last night so the fact that these morons are even here speaks volumes.

I was right! Only 98 people came in through the doors. It was not a slow day, I spent most of it writing and planning my next move. 

February 26th 2015

February 26, 2015: It snowed again this morning but we had to come in. The other Art Museum got delayed two hours. They could have done the same for us. I am doing reliefs today and I am alright with that. They announced this morning that (redacted) was the new Lead Officer for Evening Shift. Considering she’s like the only Monitor Room officer other than (redacted) (who still does not want to be in charge of anything). The extra couple bucks an hour on her paycheck will be nice for her but we will have yet another inexperienced officer in charge of something.

Tonight Predator harassed a bunch of people who celebrating a Jewish holiday. Like a Martigras type holiday where you dress up in costumes. He was trying to kill everybody’s good time because they were wearing hats. People come into the museum wearing hats all the time! I think he might just be an anti-Semite on top of all of his other racial disorders. Luckily I kept telling them to not let it get them down and to send in an e-mail. They LOVE e-mail complaints. 

February 24th 2015

February 24^th 2015: Working a school tour today. I like these because I can get extra hours without dealing with Predator. It looks like we do still sign in and out. “They’re working on a new way for guards to sign in and out.” Yeah bullshit. (Redacted) must have started that rumor. Whenever he says something everyone takes it as gospel since Mismanagement never tells us anything.

That’s how rumors usually spread. (Redacted) gets a small slice of info from the higher-ups, he mentions it in passing to some of the mouthy guards, and before you know it everyone has “the latest information.” 

One major issue with school tours (apart from the army of kids and clueless chaperons) is the school bus parking arrangement. They use to park on the street outside of the museum, but there had been complaints from people in the neighborhood, staff, guests, etc. about that organization. Now the city provides special parking for school buses at another museum. It costs $5 an hour, so the school would have to pay out $15. Big deal! The drivers get a free pass to the museum, free wifi, a warm place to drink coffee, and a cable TV. And their buses stay off the street, everybody wins!

Whelp not this time. Whoever was posted here earlier did not relay this perk to some of the drivers so they took up a lot of spaces. Later in the day I was placed at the New Entrance for an art seminar that the Monitor Room didn’t know was going on, or at least (redacted) didn’t know. The parking lot up the street soon got filled up and one lady, with crutches, had nowhere close to park. She had to go home. I know what you’re thinking, no I did not just have a soft spot for an artsy fartsy. I do however feel bad for the lady, that she was not able to go through with her plans for the day. I’m a much different guy on Tuesdays than I am on Thursdays and Saturdays. I have an excuse to be human at times like these.

A crazy woman tried to get into the museum. I said “excuse me Miss” then she shook her head violently and replied “my name isn’t Miss!” You know one of those Amelia Bedelia type weirdos who wanted me to call her R.E.M. or some such. I told her to F.U.C.K.O.F.F. She leaves then comes back again carrying a key, she wanted to use our trash can so I just took it from her to throw it away. However instead I matched it with the #10 key and it’s an exact copy! I let (redacted) know about it, called her back later and she acted like it wasn’t something important. Which means someone screwed up on their rounds and she doesn’t want me to write about the details. 

It looks like I did anyway. ;)

A Kid With A Soda

At an art museum in Japan a little boy damaged a $1.5 million dollar painting. He caused a fist sized hole which can be easily fixed. They are very lucky the drink he was holding didn’t spill. For any painting that old any foreign liquid is like acid, even the oils on our skin.

There are a lot of seemingly stupid rules put in place for museum guests, but these are for protecting the art. One of those is no food or drink being allowed. This is a rule that’s enforced at the front desk, by the guard posted on the door.

Every museum has different policies on food and drink. The Field Museum, in Chicago, for example seems to have lax policies on that. However an art museum filled with delicate pieces, no matter what country, should always enforce the no drinks policy.

It definitely looks like human error on the museum’s part. That’s usually the case where I work; where being posted on the door is the favored post. “At least you get to sit down all day” is typically the reasoning my coworkers have for being posted on the doors. Yes you get sit down all day but that does not mean you are suppose to just sit there and stare into space.

I don’t like working in an art museum, but at least I know you should greet people and prevent certain things from coming in. The tour guide should have said something, the Education department here would think that far ahead though.

This is the kind of accident my supervisors get a hard on over. Because not only do they get to fire someone but they get to play faux cop and investigate the matter. Luckily there was no great harm done, but since it’s an art museum someone is screwed for it. 

February 21st 2015

February 21^st 2014: Today we are going home early because it’s snowing like crazy. I know what you’re thinking, it would be easy money if I was getting paid that lost three hours. I intended on getting off at 5 and drinking the night away with (redacted). Nope, too much snow. This morning we were not given the time book. Someone said (with false absolution) that they were trying to come up with a new way of signing us in and out. They probably figured it would be a half day from the beginning. Captain Redacted made a phone call to the Assistant Director and saved the day.

We closed the museum at 2PM, got the guests out by 1:30, but was kept there 45 minutes over for… who knows. Mismanagement sat behind the Visitor Service’s desk like queen bitch and made us all wait until the whole “team” was there. She would not dismiss us any other way. If she’s going to be signing everyone out then we’re all screwed.

Captain Redacted was telling me about how he trained Predator back in the day at H.H. Predator just could not catch on to the simplest of tasks. For example the shutters on the 4^th Floor of H.H. were a huge issue for him. It’s not an origami craft man, it opens and closes a very specific way. And THIS is the guy in charge of the evening shift. God help us all.

Also today Looney Tunes fell and hit her head on her lunch break. She could have saved herself the hospital visit and just waited until 2PM.

February 18th 2015

February 18^th 2015: This morning myself, Sticks, and the Redacteds were taken on a tour of the Conservation Lab. It took about 30 minutes, the first 10 was filled with so much rambling that I lost track of what was being said, They always mention “The Monuments Men” stating that the character George Clooney played worked for our museum. Ok… sure. Clooney does not want anything to do with this mess. No one looked like they were busy or hard at work. One chick was flipping through a magazine, (Redacted) was typing away on that five year old laptop, and another woman was literally watching paint dry. Next time you make a donation to an art museum remember this. (Redacted) and his assistant went right back to work once his little segment of the tour was over with. I never realized just how less of a shit I give about art until I took that tour.

Today Mismanagement handed us blank sheets and asked us to list HER strengths and weaknesses. Essentially she wanted us to evaluate her. After not giving a strength or a weakness (instead writing down "are you serious, I'm going to need more paper") she made me write down a strength and weakness on the spot. She even asked (redacted) to escort me down to her office and made me sit there until I wrote something. I of course completely bullshat my way through it. (Redacted) was probably there to be a bodyguard. First she wants us to write down strengths and weaknesses (plural). Then she prints out a special piece of paper and forces me to come up with ONE strength and ONE weakness. She said it was not personal, but that little sly look she had on her face said otherwise.

Tonight they are having another Thursday night special event and I am posted on the Loading Dock. I like dealing with professional caterers. Especially friendly ones that know what they are doing. Gives you an idea of just how messed up our supervision is. I notice Predator has started having guards relieved 15 minutes earlier than usual on Thursday nights. I swear that prick does whatever he wants when it comes to breaks… more like anything, but breaks are a hot-button issue.

I have been on the Loading Dock now for about an hour and a half, and have not seen any caterers. Also Harris keeps responding to elevator calls like they’re talking to him. What part of “Freight Elevator to three” sounds like "(redacted) to base”? After that meeting I had with The Equalizer he must be trying to prove he’s not incompetent. Though he still can’t use his manpower properly. 

Just as an addition I want to point out how this is the beginning of the end for the power abuse from both Mismanagement and Predator. I had a meeting with The Equalizer a week prior to the above entry. I don't feel comfortable with the next entries because things got tough for me at the art museum for a while because of it, but it wasn't for nothing. 

February 14th 2015

February 14^th 2015: Mismanagement's not here today, but her former teacher’s pet (redacted) is acting extra stubborn in the Surveillance Room. Even though Mismanagement's not here everything is just as balls-out insane as if she was. She has the new guy working BY HIMSELF on the Old Entrance. He’s only been here for less than a month, typically it’s suppose to be six months of probation before given that responsibility. He does not know what the hell he is dong. According to (redacted) you can not switch him with someone else, someone who has experience on the doors, because it’s on the rotation paper. Ok? What does that matter? Mismanagement's not here, and the rookie could end up causing an issue because he’s not experienced.

I had to relieve (redacted) because A.J. was running late. The way things go around here I am surprised I am not doing his reliefs today. With the non-existent communication I was surprised to see him actually show up. His bus had to detour, which does not help since he is on administrative evaluation after everything that’s happened. I could have just as easily ended up being stuck with HIS relief duty.

Thursday we had the big Valentine’s Day celebration. Nothing is better than working as a human statue while everyone else has fun with their dates. Fuck this holiday. Preadator was giving orders that night but Mismanagement was giving her’s too. The left foot didn’t know what the right foot was doing. For example I went to relieve Sticks on the Old Entrance. Mismanagement told him to have people only go around to the New Entrance. Then Predator tells me to let everybody in no matter what entrance.

To make matters even worse Predator’s breath smelled like he was eating out Mismanagement's ass again. First I had to stand guard on the stairs leading up to the 3^rd floor (to prevent guests from going up there with drinks). A demoralizing post since you have to work, and act, like a robot while everyone has fun with their dates. Then he told me to go relieve (redacted) at the staff building. 30 minutes before I was going home. Predator said give him a 15 minute break, then Mismanagement says over the radio to give him a 30 minute break. He was posted there to guard the contractors that were working on the electrics. Mismanagement had completely fucked him over like they always do when it comes to breaks. They were trying to make ME take the fall! I called her up on my cell phone, because the radio reception sucks. I pointed out to her that you should keep better track of your officers. I wanted to get out of there and go home. I handed the phone to (redacted) and he told her to let me go. 

Waved at my Dad, who was coming to pick me up, as I ran across Cathedral Street. 

"Some people take this world for real."

My grandfather use to have this saying “some people take this world for real”. Of course he would say words of wisdom between old sailor shanties and whistling like a bird, but I digress. What he meant is that some people take things to a higher extreme when the given situation does not require it.

In an art museum you can really find Security guards that take things too seriously. There has got to be some medical term for it, Manic Obsessive I guess? What would you call a person who sees smudges on the INSIDE of a case and turns it into an emergency? Or calls a Supervisor if someone so much as coughs too strongly?

Let’s go deeper; let’s say there was a guard that has been working in this mad house for more than 30 years. Let’s say that they do not accept the fact that they works for idiots and instead shows blind loyalty to fallacy rather than speak up. Let’s say that they follow the rules, to the letter, then complains about doing it.

If you work Security in an art museum you MUST maintain the idea that this is just a nine-to-five job. Tell people not to touch the art then live your life. Do your job, live your life. Not the other way around. 

January 31st 2015

January 31^st 2015: It’s one of those Saturdays where Mismanagement is losing it. Well.. what I mean is it’s one of those more apparent kind of days. We are short handed but she insists on doing training for the newer officers. At least that’s the major complaint from D.J. She would not shut up about it while we were doing our rounds. Me, (redacted), and her were volunteered to do a round at the staff building. I really shouldn't say "volunteered" because she decided who goes where this morning. No complaints there since I just go there for the coffee. The meeting was full of contradictions to decisions she was making.

Captain Redacted is posted at H.H. today, but he was not chosen to be one of the officers to go there. Mismanagement's exact words were “(Captain Redacted) I’m going to give you a choice; you can either go to H.H. or you can go to New Entrance.” Then as he went to hand his keys to the officers that would be doing a round of H.H. (all the doors are locked on Saturdays) Mismanagement said “No (Captain Redacted), hold on to your keys, you’ll be doing a round of New Building.” So much for “choice” right?

It was not as retarded as the meeting we had Thursday where she went on and on about favoritism. Or at least her version of it. I am not convinced she knows the definition of favoritism. Everyone’s beef is that only certain officers get posted on the doors. A primo spot for everybody, but only because they want to sit down all day. You can be posted on the doors all you want but you still need to work by keeping restricted items out of the museum. It IS favoritism when Mismanagment's cronies get to take whatever break time they want, but if other officers ask for that change of the norm they get a “no”.

She is not really listening, it’s her only defense. You bring up any kind of concern and she instantly puts a spin on it. I can’t tell if it’s funny or sad that she is training the new guy. We got new officers, both of them decent looking black dudes. She will be hunting for dick, I kid you not. If there’s one thing apart from food that gets her attention it’s the possibility of penis. He has been given a security manual, that new hires are suppose to read, it’s about 10 years out of date. So is the information about federal laws on the bulletin board. Predator is probably basing his lawsuit worthy fuck-us on old information.

So tonight they are having a rye tasting, a special event. I am on the Loading Dock, and it’s cold as shit! The crazy thing is that it’s a pretty popular entrance tonight. I typically don’t have to open the door that much normally, but for some reason everyone has not noticed that Old and New entrances are wide open. Also the Mayor is going to be here tonight getting her drink on. Not the safest place security wise since no one knew when, and at what entrance, she was arriving. If I was a politician I would not feel safe here. Actually if I was the mayor of Baltimore I would just quit. This city’s too much trouble. Mismanagment does not know where anybody is, so apart from being a horrible Security zone, everything’s normal.

January 24th 2015

January 24^th 2015: Today I am up on the Gold Gallery with Roy Johnson and the new guy. For the last week they have had him posted on the Landing and Manuscripts area while being trained. Today there are three of us, including myself, posted up here so I am going to stay off in the corner as much as possible. They are both cool guys so the conversations are making the day fly right by, and plus I get to play training officer.

I found out Thursday that (redacted) was ranting down in the break room about “somebody” and he got written up. The one who wrote him up was Clump. She CAN be a bitch but his side of the story seems pretty modest. She does not write anyone up unless you REALLY piss her off. He’s a great guy but he has the tendency to shoot his mouth off. Which is most-likely what happened. They kicked him out of the Monitor Room position and made him a Relief Officer. I do not trust Clump, but A.J. must have really set her off more than he admits.

In other news Mismanagement is sleeping at the museum while she looks for a new apartment. I am guessing she tried to pull her credit scam on her landlord too. You know the last person to pull that kind of thing with? The mystery is where does that money go? She gets paid a lot yet is always bumming for money and credit. Drugs, gambling problem, gigolos? Before she killed (redacted) she would always get money from her. It’s all really sad.

Since it’s the Winter time a lot of homeless people come into the museum. I am glad I am not posted on the doors because I do not know how I could turn them away. You have to be an asshole here, Knucklehead insists on it, but it is a moral grey area. Some of them homeless people in the neighborhood are like that for a reason. A lot of them ARE crazy and dangerous. (Redacted) takes it to another level; following them around like a P.I. in an old noir detective movie. He has a good reason but takes it to an extreme.

While I was off taking a 10-100 I heard “N.O.R.A.” come in over the radio. “N.O.R.A.” means “Need Officer Right Away” you know like a “mayday”. It got the Monitor Room into a tizzy. Turns out it was just someone dicking around. That is seriously not cool. 

Dealing With The Public

Let me just come right out and say that people can be assholes. I do not just mean their attitudes, I mean the fact that they are so in a daze that they don’t know what the hell they are doing. Stubbornness and snobbery are two of the main things you will deal with working with the public.

When it comes to communication, and enforcing the rules and policies, greeting everyone with a smile is the best course of action. Even if they don’t acknowledge your existence right away, and they don’t. To them you are the help, but you do not have to drop yourself into that role. There are Supervisors that work here who believe they are Alphas when they are really Omegas, or Betas, in that situation. They treat guests like they are cattle and you do not want to take it THAT far either.

You don’t want to drop yourself to that level where you set your mind at a point when your fellow human beings are only numbers. I have been there and it’s a slump not easy to escape in this profession. You need to treat EVERYONE with courtesy and respect. Regardless of how fucking retarded they will react. 

January 10th 2015

January 10^th 2015: Two events going on tonight. They have yet again double booked and I doubt we will have the manpower to cover it. Luckily the one event is over at 8. The schedule is all fucked up. It says I am working until midnight. The hell I am! If they expect me to work a full twelve hours Thursday then I’m leaving at 10:15. They are the ones insisting on the un-proven 25-hour limit law. Next week’s schedule is messed up too. There is a wedding next Sunday. They got me down for 9AM to midnight then too. I only agreed to work 4 to midnight, the actual wedding. I hate to say it, but I kinda miss Mr. Ass. At least he was on the ball with the scheduling. [He actually wasn't I don't know what the hell I was taking when I wrote this.]

I have always noticed that when you volunteer to work a special event they put you down for an hour before the museum closes to the public. We are like pawns in this messed up chess game. A lot of people would just say “yo dawg it’s an extra hour”, yes it is but their intention is to have us take over for the relief guards that go home at 4. That is what it really means. To make matters worse I was suppose to be posted at H.H. (Redacted) said he was on 4^th Floor to relieve (Miss. Redacted). Screw it, I’m getting plenty of writing done either way.

Plot twist! I am posted on the Loading Dock for the wedding and it’s all gravy. The caterers are familiar so I’m in the clear until 10:15!

January 8th 2015

January 8, 2015: Today Mismanagament talked about not signing out in our time sheets. It was an incredibly demented speech she made. She is very adamant about us not signing out on our time sheets until we are leaving the building. First of all it’s not that big of a deal and second it’s one less thing we need to deal with at the end of the day. The less we have to converse with Predator the better.

Loonetoons looks sick today, of course she always does on days like this, but this seems genuine. Typically a guard fakes being sick so they can go home sooner. I never understood why though. You just have to come back and make up the time the next day. Some guards do the “ugh I’m sick” thing on an almost constant basis. I remember Brownnose did it this one time. Oscar worthy performance. As soon as she got out the door she was happy as a lark. Almost skipping down the street. Some even go to extremes if they REALLY don’t want to work that day. Bear (presumably) fake threw-up over the radio to get out of working a wedding.

Do not take this as bragging but there have been a few times I thought about calling out sick, but pushed through. Not because I am loyal, but because I do not get sick days. So I cannot afford it like the full time guards can. If any of them want to call out sick they just do. If any of the full-time guards wanted to call out they can still get salary. I don’t get that, if I’m not here I don’t get paid. Much like a lot of 20 somethings in the Obamanation of America. 

January 3rd 1015

January 3^rd 2015: It’s winter time but it’s not so cold that you need an exploration team to go outside. There’s no snow on the ground, yet I can see people transitioning down at Center Street Door. Changing out of shoes into snow boots, and putting on an outer layer of weather proof clothing. They look like their prepping to climb Mt. Everest. This should not surprise me since the people that come to this museum are weird already, but damn that is a new psychological aspect.

I’m posted up on the 4^th Floor and it’s been really busy today. You have to keep a count since this is a special exhibition. So far, as of 4:30PM, I have 378. 378 people have come through this gallery. I actually like that since it makes the day go faster. Though it would be nice if Fred put in some of those “Please Don’t Touch The Art” stencils on the walls. That’s the one thing they forgot to add into the gallery, and it’s the most important.

I mean I’m quite alright with yelling and telling people not to touch the art… actually I’m not. Everyone, except for children, don’t touch anything; BUT four people have rubbed their hands on the “High Sideboard with Hunting Trophies” by Frances W. Hausner. It’s made of fucking wood and a piece of marble. Go home and rub your counter top! It’s the same god damn thing!

Tonight I’m working until 10:15 PM. The producers of Downtown Abbey are having a preview of the Season 5 premier. I hear it’s a good show, I haven’t watched it much. They’re charging everyone $100 a ticket. Damn! My friend and I are looking for a venue to host our movies (once we make them of course). I told her we should try here. I’ll ask (redacted) tonight how much that would cost. 

Holy shit! $7,500 if you’re a non-profit and $1,500 if you are a notified company. I can also go for the employee discount and the Auditorium can seat 400 people. We just need to make some stuff that would be worth $15 a ticket.... Well that's easy, allow me to stroke my own dick and just say that I got some good stuff planned. 

Getting Your Mind Set

Passing the time is a huge part of just about any job, but it means your very mental survival in Security. You would be surprised (or probably not) how fast time flies if you are not thinking about it.

One of the main complaints I hear from my fellow officers is “man this day is taking forever” or “I can hear every grain of sand dropping.” It all depends on the individual, we all get bored, but we really do not have to be in this profession.

You know how prisoners pass the time? They do not think about what they will do when they get out. You cannot bring any outside thoughts to the art gallery. It will only drive you insane because it will eat away at you plus make the day go A LOT slower.

Just pretend like you don’t exist. I know it sounds crazy and stupid, but really do you WANT to deal with assholes and make time last forever here? Just make sure to bring yourself back to humanity once you leave for the day. 

December 27th 2014

December 27^th 2014: Yesterday, today, and God willing tomorrow I am posted at H.H.! Merry Christmas me! This time instead of focusing on handheld video games I’m focusing on writing. Like usual everyone else’s brains are turned off or running on overdrive. Unless you are writing down your thoughts, brain power is wasted here. Nothing ever has to be over thought at the museum. The best thing to do is have your brain run on auto-pilot. Unless you work in the Monitor Room, i.e. RUN the operations of other guards. In which case please have your brain run on overdrive. Not only does it keep things running smooth, but if they flub up it’s entertaining. We had to go on rounds today, since I’m posted at H.H. I decided to pick that. I mean what would be the point of covering the same place twice? I’ll be doing rounds when I unlock it anyway. Monti and Thompson always go to H.H., typically I go to the house because of the coffee maker.

The Marketing Department has launched a new mobile website for the museum. You know doing something that every other place does but except a few years late? In typical fashion, it doesn’t work but they want us to hand out cards (as if we work for Visitor Services) that “connect” guests to the website. Mismanagement is in charge of handing out the cards (and even made up a memory of “handing me cards already”. I was at H.H., she never walks two feet out of her office (unless there’s food), she definitely never comes to H.H. unless “boss man” Knucklehead calls her. Next up is the whole customer service thing. Even if the guests gives enough of a shit to ask about the website there are three issues. 1) The wifi and 3G are horrible within the galleries. 2) Most of the guests that come here do not have smart phones. 3)The cards we are suppose to pass out have vague instructions. That last thing really is not so bad since it goes along great with our customer service regime. Say-what-we-need-to-say-to-get-them-out-of-our-hair-then-walk-away technique. Not what Visitor Services would do, but it’s not Security’s job. Using that technique might seem harsh but consider the quality of person that comes into the museum, and what we have to deal with. Also today I learned that Jone has a website entirely devoted to the Chamber of Wonders. Not only is it well organized, but it cost nothing to make.

Today Mismanagement is doing evaluations. Yeah I know, she’s been “working” on them for like the last month and a half. Today it sounds like they are ready. When I get called to her office I’m going to take my time getting there and coming back! The evaluation went the same as last year. I got about 75% again. We might be getting raises this year but I doubt it. It all depends on if "it's in the budget".